My friend and colleague at the WC Historical Society, Colleen Hayne, does a lot of research before she writes her Museum Musings that you see on the next page. The museum has old WC Enterprise papers that go back to before 1900. Me, I usually make up stuff or go from memory of some event. However, for this column, I did a little research. I was actually looking for my pocketknife but then I ran across some old radio scripts from 1989/90.
While working at KDHL, I would write and record Ag commentary programs for the Minnesota Farm Network that would be broadcast statewide. My 90 second commentary would air Monday through Friday during the weeks I was scheduled. The programs would deal with the current activities of agriculture. Other farm broadcasters including Don Wick and Mike Murphy, would do these programs on a rotating schedule. The program was called ‘On the Farm’.
I kept all of my scripts that were typed out IN ALL CAPS on an IBM Selectric, much like the typewriter that I learned to type on in Mrs. Peterson’s typing class at West Concord High School. One of the scripts I found was about living on the farm. When you live on the farm, you take a lot of things for granted. But if you’re a new person on the farm, there are some rules you need to learn. For instance, never chip, chop or scrape frozen manure with your mouth open. Never let a farm dog lick you in the face. Never question someone yelling ‘Run for it!’
If you make a gentleman’s agreement, eventually you’ll need a lawyer. If you shook hands on it, you may need two lawyers. The chainsaw that always starts on the first pull will need three men and a boy to start it at the auction sale. If your wife empties your pockets to wash your work clothes, you’ll feel lost for about a week until you get everything back in your pockets where they belong. (This, by the way, is why I was looking for my pocketknife). Never spread manure with the wind and never go to town without first checking your face in the mirror.
Another program dealt with how to teach kids about living on the farm. To teach kids what animals are, we tell them that they’re all cows, even if it is a bull or steer or heifer. It’s a bit technical for a 5 year old. But by the time they’re say 29 or so, it’s okay to tell them that a bull is a man cow. A steer, well now that’s a has-been bull. A heifer, that’s a future cow. You can do the same for other animals. Horses for example, we teach our children or grandchildren to look at the horse, but is it a stallion, mare, philly or gelding? Eventually we need to call a cow a cow and a bull a bull.
Finally, I came across an old market report I did one day. Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply, Cows steered into a bull market while pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading, Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom while diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel while the market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled and caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Balloon prices were inflated, Scott Tissue touched a new bottom and batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market. That’s the latest!
